Stage Three BARGAINING
5 Stages of Grief: Stage Three BARGAINING Anger is the next stage in the stages of pet loss grief and is a much misunderstood emotion. In our society Anger is always seen as inappropriate, usually no matter what the circumstances. We are taught from an early stage that is it somehow better to bottle up our emotions to keep the peace and to be more socially respectable When other people see us getting angry we are often told that there's "no need to get angry" or that they "won't talk to us unless we calm down", or that "there are better ways to deal with things than getting annoyed."
All of these comments tend to dismiss our experience and in actual fact serve only to make a person who is already angry even angrier because they feel as though their feelings, which are valid and important to them, are being dismissed and devalued.
In actual fact Anger is a necessary and helpful emotion. In the case of Pet Loss Grief it usually follows a period of shock and numbness called "Denial". In the Denial stage you feel lost and numb to the world.
Then as you gradually become more aware of the situation and more able to face it, you start to realize that you WILL survive this period of pet loss grief and feel more reassured and sometimes surprised that you have made it through your shock and numbness.
Then your feelings start to surface and Anger hits you. You may feel many feelings such as sadness, panic, loneliness and hurt at the same time but Anger is usually the emotion that surfaces first.
Although Anger is a useful and necessary emotion, it comes at a time when your friends and family believe you are coping better with your situation and often serves to drive a wedge between you. Due to most people's misunderstanding of Anger they see your reaction as a step backwards when they felt you were just beginning to get better. But Anger is useful and is a necessary stage of pet loss grief and pet grief recovery. It is a sign that you are progressing and not a step backwards as other people may perceive it to be.
The more you choose to feel your anger, the faster it will begin to dissipate and the faster you will make your way through pet loss grief and onto the road of pet grief recovery. It is important to realize that Anger often doesn't make sense so it is important to try and feel it without trying to make real sense of it or judging it. The truth is sometimes life just sucks, life is unfair, the death of a pet is unfair and Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of the loss of a pet.
You may feel that your anger is all consuming and will never end. You may feel that you will never calm down and will be forever furious and full of rage. But your anger will pass and then you will feel start to feel the underlying emotions underneath your anger such as pain and sadness. I like to think of Anger as a lifeboat that rescues you from the sea of shock and numbness that you feel like you are drifting in when pet loss grief first hits you.
You feel lost and disconnected from everything for a while and numb to everything around you. Then you feel Anger at something or someone and you feel alive again and connected to the world once more. Most people have little or no idea of how to truly feel their Anger because they have been taught all their lives to suppress it. But keeping the rest of the world happy by doing so does little to help you regain happiness, so you should try to acknowledge and feel your anger.
Tell your friends and family how angry you are. If you feel unable to do this phone a pet loss grief helpline and tell the pet loss grief counselor who will be used to dealing with such emotions. Punch and scream into a pillow. Try exercising to help externalize your anger.
I personally like to go for a walk during the day when I know most places I go to will have few people around and I scream and shout as I walk until I feel I have really felt my anger. I may look crazy but it certainly helps to make me feel better.
I think it's helpful to remember that the anger you feel is usually in proportion to the love you felt for the pet you have lost. So think of it as just another manifestation of the love you had for your pet and don't let anyone dismiss it or criticize it. They may not understand your feelings now but one day when they suffer a loss they'll finally get it.
The feelings you experience when dealing with the loss of a pet may vary according to your situation.
However, I feel it is helpful for me to highlight the typical thoughts and behaviors you may experience when faced with the loss of a pet to remind you that you are not alone and many of these feelings and behaviors are very common.
Typical thoughts when in the Anger stage are:
All of these comments tend to dismiss our experience and in actual fact serve only to make a person who is already angry even angrier because they feel as though their feelings, which are valid and important to them, are being dismissed and devalued.
In actual fact Anger is a necessary and helpful emotion. In the case of Pet Loss Grief it usually follows a period of shock and numbness called "Denial". In the Denial stage you feel lost and numb to the world.
Then as you gradually become more aware of the situation and more able to face it, you start to realize that you WILL survive this period of pet loss grief and feel more reassured and sometimes surprised that you have made it through your shock and numbness.
Then your feelings start to surface and Anger hits you. You may feel many feelings such as sadness, panic, loneliness and hurt at the same time but Anger is usually the emotion that surfaces first.
Although Anger is a useful and necessary emotion, it comes at a time when your friends and family believe you are coping better with your situation and often serves to drive a wedge between you. Due to most people's misunderstanding of Anger they see your reaction as a step backwards when they felt you were just beginning to get better. But Anger is useful and is a necessary stage of pet loss grief and pet grief recovery. It is a sign that you are progressing and not a step backwards as other people may perceive it to be.
The more you choose to feel your anger, the faster it will begin to dissipate and the faster you will make your way through pet loss grief and onto the road of pet grief recovery. It is important to realize that Anger often doesn't make sense so it is important to try and feel it without trying to make real sense of it or judging it. The truth is sometimes life just sucks, life is unfair, the death of a pet is unfair and Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of the loss of a pet.
You may feel that your anger is all consuming and will never end. You may feel that you will never calm down and will be forever furious and full of rage. But your anger will pass and then you will feel start to feel the underlying emotions underneath your anger such as pain and sadness. I like to think of Anger as a lifeboat that rescues you from the sea of shock and numbness that you feel like you are drifting in when pet loss grief first hits you.
You feel lost and disconnected from everything for a while and numb to everything around you. Then you feel Anger at something or someone and you feel alive again and connected to the world once more. Most people have little or no idea of how to truly feel their Anger because they have been taught all their lives to suppress it. But keeping the rest of the world happy by doing so does little to help you regain happiness, so you should try to acknowledge and feel your anger.
Tell your friends and family how angry you are. If you feel unable to do this phone a pet loss grief helpline and tell the pet loss grief counselor who will be used to dealing with such emotions. Punch and scream into a pillow. Try exercising to help externalize your anger.
I personally like to go for a walk during the day when I know most places I go to will have few people around and I scream and shout as I walk until I feel I have really felt my anger. I may look crazy but it certainly helps to make me feel better.
I think it's helpful to remember that the anger you feel is usually in proportion to the love you felt for the pet you have lost. So think of it as just another manifestation of the love you had for your pet and don't let anyone dismiss it or criticize it. They may not understand your feelings now but one day when they suffer a loss they'll finally get it.
The feelings you experience when dealing with the loss of a pet may vary according to your situation.
However, I feel it is helpful for me to highlight the typical thoughts and behaviors you may experience when faced with the loss of a pet to remind you that you are not alone and many of these feelings and behaviors are very common.
Typical thoughts when in the Anger stage are:
- "Why did this have to happen to my pet?"
- "How could my pet leave me like this?"
- "Why didn't my pet fight it; why did they just give up like that?"
- "My pet was so well behaved and wouldn't hurt a fly - how could this happen to them?"
- "Why didn't I see this coming?"
- "Why didn't the vet listen to me?"
- "Why didn't I get a second opinion when I knew the Vet had it wrong?"
- "Why did they die so young when we had so little time together?"
- "Other pets like mine live to 12 - so why did mine get taken away from me so young?"
- "What did I do wrong?"
- "How could something so bad happen to my pet when they were so good?"
- "What sort of world are we living in that this can be allowed to happen?"
- "How could God let this happen?"
- "I'm a good person - why did this happen to me?"
- "Where were my friends when my pet died and I needed them?"
- "Why didn't I have enough money to pay for the treatment my pet needed?"
- "Why did my pet have to get an illness that doesn't have a cure yet?"
- "Why is life so unfair?"
- You may feel angry at the Vet who in your eyes did not do enough for your pet.
- You may feel angry at yourself for not seeking a second opinion even if you felt like doing so.
- You may feel like making a formal complaint to your Vet and hold them responsible for what happened to your pet.
- You may feel that your Vet did not listen to your fears that your pet was ill and so feel possible treatment or diagnosis was delayed until it was too late.
- You may feel angry at your pet for leaving you.
- You may feel angry at your pet for not responding to treatment or fighting their illness to stay with you.
- You may feel angry at your friends and family for not understanding how you feel over the loss of a pet.
- You may feel anger towards work colleagues and feel like confronting them if they make comments about your pet and comments about you taking time off to deal with the loss of a pet.
- If people ask about your pet you may feel yourself wanting to argue with them over what you perceive as insensitive comments.
- You may find yourself wanting to avoid people because you feel like screaming and shouting at them.
- The temptation to smash things or throw things is quite common, you feel angry and feel as though doing these things may help get the anger "out of your system."
- If you are religious you may feel incredibly angry at God and wonder how he could let this happen to you and your pet.
- If you are not religious you may be angry at the world and universe for letting this happen to you and your pet.
- When friends tell you to "calm down" or that there's "no sense" in being angry you may find yourself feeling furious that they are trying to dismiss your feelings and just do not understand how important the loss of a pet is to you.
- In situations where your pet died as a result of an accident you may feel furious at whoever you believe caused the accident and unable to be around them.
- If the pet was a family pet, you may find yourself harboring anger towards other members of the family who do not appear as affected by the loss as you are.
- You may find yourself feeling incredibly guilty - but this is anger too, just anger at yourself.